good night.

gray sky

 

There’s an orange sticky note on the mirror in front of me blocking my right eye

It reminds me that I have a doctor’s appointment today

 

 

I have a doctor’s appointment today

And I’ll go not because I want to know how I’m doing but because it’s what people do

And I’m trying my best to be a person like everyone else

 

Today I am wearing a black turtleneck and black pants and black shoes and my nail polish is black and my lipstick is red and it comes off really easily

Love comes off

Comes apart

Too easily

 

I am not in a relationship but I am not single

I am married to the thought of a man loving me

That man does not love me and I guess I know why

I have a doctor’s appointment today and I think they will tell me that I am unable to be loved

They will tell me although I will not ask

They will tell me though I already know

 

He says I’m pretty

I am pretty

He’s prettier than me in all ways

But somehow no one else sees

Not him

Sometimes I don’t see it either

But I believe it nonetheless

 

I have a doctor’s appointment today

They’ll tell me my lungs are blacker than my turtleneck

They’ll say one more drink will kill me

Two more drinks will bring me back to life

Three more wishes to waste before I forget to ask for three more

I wish he would drink my blood

I wish he’d let me take a hit off his loose cigarette

I wish for something else and I don’t know what it is yet

But when I figure it out, make it happen,

Magic man

 

Maybe he’s the magic man

I’m in the air asking how high and he’s not even asking me to jump

I don’t know how he does it

How I do it

I am tired

I have a doctor’s appointment today and they will also say that I am tired

And the magic man will take me out for coffee

And tell me things that exhaust me even more

 

I have a doctor’s appointment today

But I don’t think I’ll go

I’d rather not be a person today

Maybe I will go tomorrow

But, for now,

I am going to bed

 

Good

night.

 

-P.J.

One thought on “good night.

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